Don’t you just know at first glance that this person is the person you wish to spend your whole life with to build a family you can call your own?
I think I found my forever person. And I hope you’ll truly be it.
Don’t you just know at first glance that this person is the person you wish to spend your whole life with to build a family you can call your own?
I think I found my forever person. And I hope you’ll truly be it.
It’s me again. It has been awhile since i last dropped by onto this space, but i have no idea either what made me made my way back here again; to write, or to have a word purge; we shall see.
How’s life, can be a good starter i suppose. but i do not know where to start or begin, what’s there to say, because everything has just been everywhere and all over the place. i foresaw everyt happening at the “now” even before the year came – i know myself too well, and maybe, know how God has always worked in my life too well. Yet, i still can’t get used to this. i’m at this phase of my life where i’m transiting; probably the last “huge” transition i’ll face – since i do not think “getting married”/”having a baby” will hold that huge of an uncertainty for me – or if, *touchwood ah*, it would actually even happen. I have never been a human that is comfortable with changes, or one who can live with uncertainties. that said, mayb that was why i was so anxious & afraid stepping into the last semester of my uni life – the path to graduation, getting my first job, probably having to give up many things that i hold v closely by over this transition – or simply, just what the future holds for me. I have expectations coming into this, but trust me when i say i left it 90% to God for Him to path my way – i didn’t ask for much, but kept my prayer requests v simple – “get my graduated, bless me a job that You know is the best for me”. yet i’m at this point where………..i can no longer see the light – not even over the fact that “i can graduate” after screwing/ getting so screwed by my 2 major papers.
The past wk has been really demoralizing and the fact that i was running so low on rest really did took a toll on me emotionally & mentally. it has been a while since i broke down into despair & anxiety over exams – the last time was in poly ha ha, and just, i had to face failures when i know i had put in more than my 100% into something. i feel betrayed, and i wanted something to blame on, but there wasn’t any for me to, but a blank space to stare not knowing what’s next. but i have to give credits for this, over the text messages that i had gotten over the past wk or so, esp esp, from my churchmates – in which they do not usually personal text me. it was like God’s way of showing my assurance yet, i’m confused, when things rlly did not turn out the way (not that I want it to be) – but the way IT ITSELF should go. i questioned many times again this whole time, “God are you there”, “God are you listening to me”, “God, don’t leave me handling this mess alone….”.
I have always been a one that “needs to get her life/shit tgt” and yes, my life has been – the best actually; said it for the millionth time too, during my time in Uni. I was doing was i love aka. Track, i enjoyed studying & the whole thing bout being student again, and my relationship with my inner circle still remains as one of my life pillars. Just the fact that i’m in this forest that sees no light and a destination carries so much load in my heart that, some days, my faith is questioned and i slowly let all of my fear eat me up.
Job hunt wise, i’ll definitely get back when there’s good news but till anything is there/ confirmed, yknw me; i’d love to keep it low. i hate proclaiming about smthing to have it not in my hands – call it my ego but yeah. I guess even, especially during the times i start to doubt again, i see signs of assurance and i think, that’s what matters the most. To me, the start of my career is something that i rlly consider thoroughly – a good start will always mean keeping my morale up for a good long race. There are calls for interviews, and also ones that i rejected to turn up for – despite the company label, despite the job scope, or the pay they were offering – what a picky human but i think i know it’s the job when it is THE job God has put me in. I’m still waiting on that. Nonetheless, i’m again, very thankful to my parents for constantly assuring me “it is okay, there’s no rush to it” especially when i know of many of my friends feel pressure getting a job because of their parents. Then again, i hate being this financially reliant on my parents and i rlly miss that period when i could put my share into the household. Well, we shall see how this goes – because who knows, i may not even be able to graduate this semester (hah).
I been coping myself up with studying for finals and i have been so away from people that i start being used to my solitude once again. it is like a vicious cycle that i see myself constantly in. and yknw the saying “in a crowd of so many people, yet loneliness is all that you feel”? – that has always resonated to me so much. When i disconnect myself from people, or even people around me, i cant help but……just feel so detacted that, i have no idea how to connect again. i get so used with just facing myself, so comfortable, that i feel i can just suffice on my own – but truth, i can’t…..exactly. Also as time passes, i came to speak less of myself, and i think it is just an act of suppressing how i feel instead of….being….and meaning, “i rlly am okay”. i don’t think i can ever accept myself “being not okay” because being wounded has always been the last thing (again, my prideful self) i would admit of. I learn how to slowly “shrug” it off, and i’ll wait up feeling less of it; even when the cycle still end up repeating. I fall back in circles fighting through my thoughts but i convince myself i’m over that, and i think so too, i got better at doing so – believing there’s no big deal to it. i want to say it has been painful all these way for me, and times were……really really tough that i could barely get through the nights, but, i think there is really nothing more i can ask for with whatever i am holding now in my palms. i’m thankful, i’m grateful, and i really am more than contented (other than this whole transiting shit going on), but i still wonder………is it because i feel OBLIGED to be thankful/contented, that i am just convinced to believe i am. or………that because i am thankful/contented with everything in life now, that i have no reason to be allowed to feel the pain that still hang onto me from the past? it is like there is a set of guidelines with rules & regulations on things i can feel/ can’t feel, and that i put so much effort suppressing all the negativity in me most of the time, it feels so out of control at times.
what’s my maximum load? and what are the emotions i truly feel, deep down. Am i okay? or am i just trying to be okay that it seems so convincing i am.
don’t worry too much, i’d like to say i rlly am okay and i’ll continue assuring myself everything will set in place once again soon in time to come.
i may or may not be back here again, soon or much later in the future, but….., boy am i glad this space still exist for me to come back to.
This is me here on 02/Jan/2018, laying in bed and finally collecting my thoughts about the past year. The final month leading up to 2018 was a busily packed period for me, and even through the final days, i was there trying to take a breath. It didn’t feel like the year was truly ending for me, neither did it felt like the New Year’s. I guess you can say, i was in so much comfort of this year that……i wasn’t looking forward for a “new start” to set everything on a “reset” button again.
I was happy and contented.
I no longer set standards as to determine what makes my year a “good” year because truth to be told, i had learnt to see happiness even in its smallest form and i suppose…it really does accumulates up to something; instead of tiringly trying to pursue that one big thing to justify your happiness.
2015 was the year i truly started picking up all the broken pieces of myself – put on a stop to anything destructive to myself and i was still struggling to find my place in the world where God had placed me in. 2016, it was the time i learnt how to be contented and have gratitude towards everything that i had in life. It was the time where i felt i grew the most in seeking my life purpose, that i came to slowly find the meaning in life for me to continue living despite everything i hated about the world (and myself). And all i can say is, God put us all in “work in progress” in His own timing.
I stepped into 2017 with no expectations about how the year would go, i didn’t really set a list of resolutions i wish to fulfill, but instead, i was seeking comfort in the constants of my life. Of course, things were bound to change with new beginnings. I went back to Uni, and i finally truly enjoyed the days of studying because i know i was doing what i love. I met people there and though it is just really a small handful, i couldn’t have been more grateful for them. The objective in going to Uni was to live it to the fullest and my first step to it was to join a club/CCA/whateveryoucallit. I gave my try to student council to (sadly but so damn fortunately) be rejected. I remember falling into slight despair of doubt towards myself when that happened but to know….God had greater and bigger plans for me ahead. Instead of placing me in a destructive surrounding the focus of material gains that deep down, i knew, was no good for me……I found my place in the Track team.
It started out with purely with just the spark of passion i have for running. But really, through the months and past year of being a part of it….i feel like my life has embedded itself on the red track. I didn’t know competitive running was so much different than leisure running; the theories behind the “art of running”, the techniques the isn’t purely just about the legs but your body and mind, and the whole package that came along with it. It was Track, that allowed me to really truly put down the identity i held in the past and my struggles towards Eating Disorder. I learnt what the body i hated could do, and i came to learn how to embrace it; than what it simply looked from the outside. I fell many times, physically and emotionally on the track and there were many days of frustrations, despair and tears. Yet, i dare to say nothing can compare to the amount of happiness i had gained among all the sweat, tears and pain that came with it. I brokedown, and i injured, but because i once fell i think i stood up even taller, stronger and faster from then on. To many people out there who have always questioned my level of committment towards the time & effort i devote to Track, they say it, they feel that way, because they are clueless as to how much running means to me. Because i stepped foot onto the red track, i was able to put down the pain i struggled day-to-day and the life i once gave up on, to finding the true meaning & purpose to actually live life. While being at it, i found a second family of people i can relate to and share all the pain we sweat together. It was a takeaway i never expect to have especially being in a sport that many claim it to be “boring”, to be a “waste of time”.
I forgo my yearly mission trip to Cambodia this year that i can’t deny i deeply regret for but i know there will always be the next year for me to continue serving God in that area. 2018 has been a quiet year for me, and it being quiet, it also meant how smooth-sailing it was. I studied hard in school and had put in so much more effort comparably to the past years of my education and i can say, the output was in par to my input. And whatever it is, i know my focal should never be that piece of proclaim with the word “distinction” on it but how much i enjoyed my Uni life and got out of it.
Thankful for all the friends that had stood by my side through the year for always always always making the time out for me even though many a times i prioritize my training days before quality time with people. Life is meaningless if you have no one to share your happiness with and i am more than eternally blessed to have a close circle of people i can constantly count on. Life is truly lonely and empty when you’re on your own.
Through the year, i can’t deny there were many nights i was so much tempted to fall back into my black hole and to submit to negativity. There were too, many times i hated myself even more than i did before and times i too, wanted to give up. Sometimes, i hated my pride for painting such a perfect picture to everyone that behind closed doors, i felt even lonelier than before not knowing who i could really go to/ rely on but yknw…. i figured that is just what life is all about and why we grow. I grew so much more through the year and though admittedly not as much on the spiritual level, i think i am fully equipped to overcome what life has to throw at me in the coming days.
2018 is going to be amazing and i know it myself. I am nowhere anxious towards the idea of adulthood and getting myself employed but in fact, am actually excited to know where life will be bringing me to. It will be a year i say my goodbyes to the days where i wear the label of being a student, and step into a whole new phase that shapes the remaining half of the life. It will be a year where i know tough challenges lie ahead where i have to grow even more dependent on myself but hey, bring it on.
2017 you have been so kind to me, thank you for that.
2018, i welcome you with my open arms.
I still let my insecurities eat my up some times…… these days. Until now. And one of those times might just be now.
How do you breakthrough from this shell you keep everyone away from, when you actually do need someone but you just can’t seem to accept looking vulnerable? Or just…..the endless comparison with people around you that fires your inferiority up – not good enough, not there yet, always lacking.
Feels like I’m always the better alternatives out there instead of the best choice. I’m letting this get into my head too much tonight and I’m feeling so nasty and horrible I wish to just shut down to avoid every bit of emotions I am feeling.
I want to wake up being reborn. Sad news, that isn’t and will never happen.
I think it is very evident how much the sport running has changed my everyday life, my perspectives and even myself since I took it up since the year started. A lot has changed since then, one obviously starting up just simply wanting to keep up with a fitness routine to…….running with goals I have in my mind that I want to achieve. Nonetheless, all that fairytale seems to come to a point now I start to feel so doubtful about.
It has been a tough month. So tough I am barely struggling by. A hamstring pull that doesn’t seem to get better which I put myself off all training for 2 weeks but I couldn’t take it any longer and came back to training, a cough bug that has been bugging me since a month ago that is deteriorating instead of seeing any improvements. Not to add on, the workload in school is piling up while I was so busy with submissions over the past two weeks. I was barely getting by, I was barely holding it all in.
Running used to give me nothing but simply just happiness and I thought it would stay this way for the longest time. Neither would I have expect the roller coaster ride I signed myself up for. The pressure I gave myself soon built up to the point I couldn’t take it, that I saw myself saying “I can’t do this” each time I stood by the starting line even before I ran. I saw myself starting to be fearful of taking the first step off the line because I was scared I wouldn’t hit the pace my coach had given to me. That week, I saw myself having a huge mental breakdown after my 1.5km time trial; which is of course not my event. Things gotten a better turn since then and though the pressure were there, I started knowing if I just am less harsh on myself, I would be at ease to run faster. I….gradually stopped fearing to take the first step at the starting line and my heart, stopped beating this quickly like before.
But who would ever know, just shortly after, an injury would come, just at the time when we step into on season period. Races are lined up for the next few months and what I had been training so hard for. Hamstring pull. My hamstring had always had a sore point since earlier period but I took no notice of it as I was busy meddling with my shin splint. I was limping so badly for days, thinking of the worst and having to forcefully be put in the situation where I have to call off going to trainings – I was in such huge despair. I couldn’t remember the first time I felt this empty, this clueless, this helpless, and THIS vulnerable. I spent the nights where I was half bedridden crying myself to sleep, with my curious self googling all sorts of possible injury and recovery time to scaring myself. I went to the doctor finally, rested and when I could finally walked, I went back to training right away.
I remember the first time I gave back after a short 2 weeks of break, coach diagnosed it as a pull; slight wear and tear and I was put off running completely. I came to the next 2/3 trainings racewalking and trust me, it was so tough on me. The thought of wanting to go faster but you can’t, and the frustration that builds up because you had the time to let these thoughts run through while you were racewalking – it felt like a death penalty to me. The first training I came back running, 400/800/1200/1600/2000 slow strides; I finally saw myself smiling in a training and I actually thought things were getting better.
Thought. Is the key word.
I go back and fro with having to settle to do racewalk for training when it the pain acts up and I could barely even jog on the track – you see my limp jogging during our usual 800m warm up run. It was painful. It was the pain that not only I could feel physically but it pained so much on the inside. What happened? Why did things ended up this way?
This track that had once given so much happiness to me, I saw myself putting on a sulky face, and I saw myself crying in tears of frustration to my coach “I hate this, I hate that I can’t run my 100% like before anymore”. Sure I do get a lot of encouragement from my trackmates and especially my coach – what will I do without them. That how each training I am here counts even if my legs were not at its 100%, how it is going to build me up stronger mentally. But you know……
It has come to a point where I see myself questioning my purpose for turning up for training, for starting to dread going trainings because I know I am not going to perform my 100% but continue to feel the pain coming as I take each stride. I devoted SO MUCH of my time, effort and sweat, sacrificed a little all for that beginning that is to happen in say what, 2/3 weeks time? I was so excited to finally be able to wear a race bib to race with all my night but everything has to come clashing against each other at such a crucial point. It is like for everything I had done especially over the last 3-4 months, the tough and intense training I pour my entire soul for, it is down to nothing? “Take it slow, be patient CN. You are not running that slow now yknw?” Says my coach to me but I want to perform my 100%, my 101%, my 200%, I want to see concrete improvement from everything I had devoted for.
What is left? What lies ahead? There is so much uncertainties, and so much……pain. Today when we went for a outside run to marina barrage, trust me it was getting so painful aft the 4.6km mark and I had to continue running for the 4.4km. I saw myself limping back the last 4km desperately hoping I am getting closer to where we begin to end this pain.
The legs that I used to run miles, has become the legs that I feel nothing but pain as I take each stride. If tough times do not last, but tough people do, am I tough enough to overcome this trial? Can I?
I said it many times and I will say it again: I will run till the day my legs cannot go on further and I cannot imagine a life without running. I am this sure why God had put me on this journey, why he had given me this purpose and drive in life but I also, am questioning why I end up losing something that I hold so closely by at the end of the day?
I have goals for myself I want to slowly accomplish in this sport and as it may sound ridiculously unrealistic and stupid, I do dream of a day I can achieve great things with this passion of mine for running and with this legs that had been through miles to get there. I don’t want to stop just here when it is barely the beginning for me and I pray so earnestly each day, this is just a trial, this is just a small hurdle for me to overcome to emerge strongly. And I hope, it will be over soon. This pain, is getting too long to bear for me.
If living means waking up each day doing what you love, then I can safely say I had been living the life for the past month or so during this semester break. I wake up each day just anticipating to run or head to training; though it gives me really bad butterflies each time not knowing what trng prog coach has planned for us.
I love my life right now. So much sometimes it still feels like a dream to me.
This is a life I never thought I would be able to live. And it has exceeded my expectations.
Everything is falling into place so well it seems so unreal at times, how. Uni life thus far really has been 100/100. So many (almost) wrong turns in the beginning but I suppose I am where God had planned for me to be at. And I guess too, taking a gap year off had shaped my perspectives on things and made me learn how to cherish my (last phase of) student life so much more.
Joining tracks will definitely be my biggest takeaway. The amazing teammates I have in the team that constantly drives each other to do better, to never give up, I am ever this grateful to have them. It has once changed my opinions how running is just an individual sport.
I’ve slightly more than 2 months time before SUNIG and tbh, my intention of joining tracks was to sustain my fitness routine of working out and also because of my love for running. Never had I even once imagine or dared to think of joining a competition/race because that is just plain ridiculous. But here I am. I told my mom just the other night over the dining table, “never would I have dared to imagine myself wearing a race bib for a race but that is going to happen in 2 mths time and IT IS CRAZY” my mom, she laughed for a good 5-8 mins upon hearing that. This is just it is. This is how much happiness and contentment running and tracks give to me. The smallest and slightest bit of thing has given me the biggest of joy I had long never felt in me.
It has also saw a change in my personal growth, of self-love and body acceptance. Days when I start to feel negative and disgusted by my own body image, I am once again reminded of what my body can do than to emphasize so heavily on what I wish it would look like. And I am here to tell you, I am very appreciative and grateful for this body of mine.
Trainings have been getting tougher and tougher these days but I guess while we whine & complain about the pain, there is so much satisfaction that comes out of it at the end of the day. And tbh really, to train on the same tracks where you occasionally see some national athletes train, it drives you even more to push harder. I do get frustrated at times, I wouldn’t deny. Or I may be starting to feel impatient about seeing improvements because I so desperately eagerly want to do well, better and my best. Slowly but surely; I will continue to remind myself.
I can’t wait for school to resume soon, though I foresee myself struggle a little trying to juggle between my priorities of studies & tracks, but I know I am going to enjoy every bit of that. Like what my mom had said to me, “you only have this short period of time left to enjoy all of that. so just go ahead and enjoy it all.”
I am so happy. So so so happy.
Till then my dearest ones, I rlly hope life has been treating you fine and well too on the other side 💕
Unknowingly found myself opening up this app at this ungodly hour of the night when I should be sound asleep.
Hey there, it has been a while dear WordPress. I do not know where to get started but life has really been treating me well. It is finally April, and seriously really, time passes. Especially when you’re productively busy, and always on-the-go.
I am running on an insane schedule of 4 submissions in the coming week and I really can’t wait to get over and done with all of it. Exhausting, and it has been a crazy period dealing with all sorts of people………didn’t knew I would be signing up for this even in Uni but hey, I’ll just take it as an experience.
My brain is really burnt out and I feel like my body has been running on auto-pilot mode since February but my life has never felt this full before. Nothing much had really changed in my life; the same old people, just a couple of Uni friends I had met, and a very routined student life……but what changed is, I’m a much happier person now.
If you haven’t know, I’ve signed myself up to be in Track in Uni. I wanted a CCA in Uni to complete my student life; that was my first agenda. And I thought for a long time where I should go. 2 mths later, I am relieved to know this decision is one of the best decisions I had made for myself.
Being in tracks has been a little of a life-changing experience for me and I am seeing this sport in a whole new light day by day. Running, has become more than just “running” to me, as it now holds a deeper sentimental value close to me.
I’m reminded everyday how thankful I should be, on how blessed I am. Everything is really falling into place and there is nothing more I can ask for as of now. I’ve seen myself changed, and I’m living my life to its fullest; utilizing each 24 hours doing things I love, things I should do, and being with people that matters so closely to me.
I still have a lot of uncertainties that I could dwell or worry upon but I had left everything in the hand of God to lead me to.
There really isn’t much for me to update because nothing much has changed but at the same time, a lot has too. But here is an update from me; I am happy and I hope each & everyone of you are too.
Till then, stay beautiful & keep shinning, xx