This is me here on 02/Jan/2018, laying in bed and finally collecting my thoughts about the past year. The final month leading up to 2018 was a busily packed period for me, and even through the final days, i was there trying to take a breath. It didn’t feel like the year was truly ending for me, neither did it felt like the New Year’s. I guess you can say, i was in so much comfort of this year that……i wasn’t looking forward for a “new start” to set everything on a “reset” button again.
I was happy and contented.
I no longer set standards as to determine what makes my year a “good” year because truth to be told, i had learnt to see happiness even in its smallest form and i suppose…it really does accumulates up to something; instead of tiringly trying to pursue that one big thing to justify your happiness.
2015 was the year i truly started picking up all the broken pieces of myself – put on a stop to anything destructive to myself and i was still struggling to find my place in the world where God had placed me in. 2016, it was the time i learnt how to be contented and have gratitude towards everything that i had in life. It was the time where i felt i grew the most in seeking my life purpose, that i came to slowly find the meaning in life for me to continue living despite everything i hated about the world (and myself). And all i can say is, God put us all in “work in progress” in His own timing.
I stepped into 2017 with no expectations about how the year would go, i didn’t really set a list of resolutions i wish to fulfill, but instead, i was seeking comfort in the constants of my life. Of course, things were bound to change with new beginnings. I went back to Uni, and i finally truly enjoyed the days of studying because i know i was doing what i love. I met people there and though it is just really a small handful, i couldn’t have been more grateful for them. The objective in going to Uni was to live it to the fullest and my first step to it was to join a club/CCA/whateveryoucallit. I gave my try to student council to (sadly but so damn fortunately) be rejected. I remember falling into slight despair of doubt towards myself when that happened but to know….God had greater and bigger plans for me ahead. Instead of placing me in a destructive surrounding the focus of material gains that deep down, i knew, was no good for me……I found my place in the Track team.
It started out with purely with just the spark of passion i have for running. But really, through the months and past year of being a part of it….i feel like my life has embedded itself on the red track. I didn’t know competitive running was so much different than leisure running; the theories behind the “art of running”, the techniques the isn’t purely just about the legs but your body and mind, and the whole package that came along with it. It was Track, that allowed me to really truly put down the identity i held in the past and my struggles towards Eating Disorder. I learnt what the body i hated could do, and i came to learn how to embrace it; than what it simply looked from the outside. I fell many times, physically and emotionally on the track and there were many days of frustrations, despair and tears. Yet, i dare to say nothing can compare to the amount of happiness i had gained among all the sweat, tears and pain that came with it. I brokedown, and i injured, but because i once fell i think i stood up even taller, stronger and faster from then on. To many people out there who have always questioned my level of committment towards the time & effort i devote to Track, they say it, they feel that way, because they are clueless as to how much running means to me. Because i stepped foot onto the red track, i was able to put down the pain i struggled day-to-day and the life i once gave up on, to finding the true meaning & purpose to actually live life. While being at it, i found a second family of people i can relate to and share all the pain we sweat together. It was a takeaway i never expect to have especially being in a sport that many claim it to be “boring”, to be a “waste of time”.
I forgo my yearly mission trip to Cambodia this year that i can’t deny i deeply regret for but i know there will always be the next year for me to continue serving God in that area. 2018 has been a quiet year for me, and it being quiet, it also meant how smooth-sailing it was. I studied hard in school and had put in so much more effort comparably to the past years of my education and i can say, the output was in par to my input. And whatever it is, i know my focal should never be that piece of proclaim with the word “distinction” on it but how much i enjoyed my Uni life and got out of it.
Thankful for all the friends that had stood by my side through the year for always always always making the time out for me even though many a times i prioritize my training days before quality time with people. Life is meaningless if you have no one to share your happiness with and i am more than eternally blessed to have a close circle of people i can constantly count on. Life is truly lonely and empty when you’re on your own.
Through the year, i can’t deny there were many nights i was so much tempted to fall back into my black hole and to submit to negativity. There were too, many times i hated myself even more than i did before and times i too, wanted to give up. Sometimes, i hated my pride for painting such a perfect picture to everyone that behind closed doors, i felt even lonelier than before not knowing who i could really go to/ rely on but yknw…. i figured that is just what life is all about and why we grow. I grew so much more through the year and though admittedly not as much on the spiritual level, i think i am fully equipped to overcome what life has to throw at me in the coming days.
2018 is going to be amazing and i know it myself. I am nowhere anxious towards the idea of adulthood and getting myself employed but in fact, am actually excited to know where life will be bringing me to. It will be a year i say my goodbyes to the days where i wear the label of being a student, and step into a whole new phase that shapes the remaining half of the life. It will be a year where i know tough challenges lie ahead where i have to grow even more dependent on myself but hey, bring it on.
2017 you have been so kind to me, thank you for that.
2018, i welcome you with my open arms.