Bad days

I still let my insecurities eat my up some times…… these days. Until now. And one of those times might just be now.

How do you breakthrough from this shell you keep everyone away from, when you actually do need someone but you just can’t seem to accept looking vulnerable? Or just…..the endless comparison with people around you that fires your inferiority up – not good enough, not there yet, always lacking.

Feels like I’m always the better alternatives out there instead of the best choice. I’m letting this get into my head too much tonight and I’m feeling so nasty and horrible I wish to just shut down to avoid every bit of emotions I am feeling.

I want to wake up being reborn. Sad news, that isn’t and will never happen.

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Heavy hearted

I think it is very evident how much the sport running has changed my everyday life, my perspectives and even myself since I took it up since the year started. A lot has changed since then, one obviously starting up just simply wanting to keep up with a fitness routine to…….running with goals I have in my mind that I want to achieve. Nonetheless, all that fairytale seems to come to a point now I start to feel so doubtful about.

It has been a tough month. So tough I am barely struggling by. A hamstring pull that doesn’t seem to get better which I put myself off all training for 2 weeks but I couldn’t take it any longer and came back to training, a cough bug that has been bugging me since a month ago that is deteriorating instead of seeing any improvements. Not to add on, the workload in school is piling up while I was so busy with submissions over the past two weeks. I was barely getting by, I was barely holding it all in.

Running used to give me nothing but simply just happiness and I thought it would stay this way for the longest time. Neither would I have expect the roller coaster ride I signed myself up for. The pressure I gave myself soon built up to the point I couldn’t take it, that I saw myself saying “I can’t do this” each time I stood by the starting line even before I ran. I saw myself starting to be fearful of taking the first step off the line because I was scared I wouldn’t hit the pace my coach had given to me. That week, I saw myself having a huge mental breakdown after my 1.5km time trial; which is of course not my event. Things gotten a better turn since then and though the pressure were there, I started knowing if I just am less harsh on myself, I would be at ease to run faster. I….gradually stopped fearing to take the first step at the starting line and my heart, stopped beating this quickly like before.

But who would ever know, just shortly after, an injury would come, just at the time when we step into on season period. Races are lined up for the next few months and what I had been training so hard for. Hamstring pull. My hamstring had always had a sore point since earlier period but I took no notice of it as I was busy meddling with my shin splint. I was limping so badly for days, thinking of the worst and having to forcefully be put in the situation where I have to call off going to trainings – I was in such huge despair. I couldn’t remember the first time I felt this empty, this clueless, this helpless, and THIS vulnerable. I spent the nights where I was half bedridden crying myself to sleep, with my curious self googling all sorts of possible injury and recovery time to scaring myself. I went to the doctor finally, rested and when I could finally walked, I went back to training right away.

I remember the first time I gave back after a short 2 weeks of break, coach diagnosed it as a pull; slight wear and tear and I was put off running completely. I came to the next 2/3 trainings racewalking and trust me, it was so tough on me. The thought of wanting to go faster but you can’t, and the frustration that builds up because you had the time to let these thoughts run through while you were racewalking – it felt like a death penalty to me. The first training I came back running, 400/800/1200/1600/2000 slow strides; I finally saw myself smiling in a training and I actually thought things were getting better.

Thought. Is the key word.

I go back and fro with having to settle to do racewalk for training when it the pain acts up and I could barely even jog on the track – you see my limp jogging during our usual 800m warm up run. It was painful. It was the pain that not only I could feel physically but it pained so much on the inside. What happened? Why did things ended up this way?

This track that had once given so much happiness to me, I saw myself putting on a sulky face, and I saw myself crying in tears of frustration to my coach “I hate this, I hate that I can’t run my 100% like before anymore”. Sure I do get a lot of encouragement from my trackmates and especially my coach – what will I do without them. That how each training I am here counts even if my legs were not at its 100%, how it is going to build me up stronger mentally. But you know……

It has come to a point where I see myself questioning my purpose for turning up for training, for starting to dread going trainings because I know I am not going to perform my 100% but continue to feel the pain coming as I take each stride. I devoted SO MUCH of my time, effort and sweat, sacrificed a little all for that beginning that is to happen in say what, 2/3 weeks time? I was so excited to finally be able to wear a race bib to race with all my night but everything has to come clashing against each other at such a crucial point. It is like for everything I had done especially over the last 3-4 months, the tough and intense training I pour my entire soul for, it is down to nothing? “Take it slow, be patient CN. You are not running that slow now yknw?” Says my coach to me but I want to perform my 100%, my 101%, my 200%, I want to see concrete improvement from everything I had devoted for.

What is left? What lies ahead? There is so much uncertainties, and so much……pain. Today when we went for a outside run to marina barrage, trust me it was getting so painful aft the 4.6km mark and I had to continue running for the 4.4km. I saw myself limping back the last 4km desperately hoping I am getting closer to where we begin to end this pain.

The legs that I used to run miles, has become the legs that I feel nothing but pain as I take each stride. If tough times do not last, but tough people do, am I tough enough to overcome this trial? Can I?

I said it many times and I will say it again: I will run till the day my legs cannot go on further and I cannot imagine a life without running. I am this sure why God had put me on this journey, why he had given me this purpose and drive in life but I also, am questioning why I end up losing something that I hold so closely by at the end of the day?

I have goals for myself I want to slowly accomplish in this sport and as it may sound ridiculously unrealistic and stupid, I do dream of a day I can achieve great things with this passion of mine for running and with this legs that had been through miles to get there. I don’t want to stop just here when it is barely the beginning for me and I pray so earnestly each day, this is just a trial, this is just a small hurdle for me to overcome to emerge strongly. And I hope, it will be over soon. This pain, is getting too long to bear for me.

)-:

(Maybe) a lot has happened. Or not. 

If living means waking up each day doing what you love, then I can safely say I had been living the life for the past month or so during this semester break. I wake up each day just anticipating to run or head to training; though it gives me really bad butterflies each time not knowing what trng prog coach has planned for us. 

I love my life right now. So much sometimes it still feels like a dream to me. 

This is a life I never thought I would be able to live. And it has exceeded my expectations. 

Everything is falling into place so well it seems so unreal at times, how. Uni life thus far really has been 100/100. So many (almost) wrong turns in the beginning but I suppose I am where God had planned for me to be at. And I guess too, taking a gap year off had shaped my perspectives on things and made me learn how to cherish my (last phase of) student life so much more. 

Joining tracks will definitely be my biggest takeaway. The amazing teammates I have in the team that constantly drives each other to do better, to never give up, I am ever this grateful to have them. It has once changed my opinions how running is just an individual sport. 

I’ve slightly more than 2 months time before SUNIG and tbh, my intention of joining tracks was to sustain my fitness routine of working out and also because of my love for running. Never had I even once imagine or dared to think of joining a competition/race because that is just plain ridiculous. But here I am. I told my mom just the other night over the dining table, “never would I have dared to imagine myself wearing a race bib for a race but that is going to happen in 2 mths time and IT IS CRAZY” my mom, she laughed for a good 5-8 mins upon hearing that. This is just it is. This is how much happiness and contentment running and tracks give to me. The smallest and slightest bit of thing has given me the biggest of joy I had long never felt in me. 

It has also saw a change in my personal growth, of self-love and body acceptance. Days when I start to feel negative and disgusted by my own body image, I am once again reminded of what my body can do than to emphasize so heavily on what I wish it would look like. And I am here to tell you, I am very appreciative and grateful for this body of mine. 

Trainings have been getting tougher and tougher these days but I guess while we whine & complain about the pain, there is so much satisfaction that comes out of it at the end of the day. And tbh really, to train on the same tracks where you occasionally see some national athletes train, it drives you even more to push harder. I do get frustrated at times, I wouldn’t deny. Or I may be starting to feel impatient about seeing improvements because I so desperately eagerly want to do well, better and my best. Slowly but surely; I will continue to remind myself. 

I can’t wait for school to resume soon, though I foresee myself struggle a little trying to juggle between my priorities of studies & tracks, but I know I am going to enjoy every bit of that. Like what my mom had said to me, “you only have this short period of time left to enjoy all of that. so just go ahead and enjoy it all.” 

I am so happy. So so so happy. 

Till then my dearest ones, I rlly hope life has been treating you fine and well too on the other side đź’•

Unknowingly found myself opening up this app at this ungodly hour of the night when I should be sound asleep. 

Hey there, it has been a while dear WordPress. I do not know where to get started but life has really been treating me well. It is finally April, and seriously really, time passes. Especially when you’re productively busy, and always on-the-go. 

I am running on an insane schedule of 4 submissions in the coming week and I really can’t wait to get over and done with all of it. Exhausting, and it has been a crazy period dealing with all sorts of people………didn’t knew I would be signing up for this even in Uni but hey, I’ll just take it as an experience.

My brain is really burnt out and I feel like my body has been running on auto-pilot mode since February but my life has never felt this full before. Nothing much had really changed in my life; the same old people, just a couple of Uni friends I had met, and a very routined student life……but what changed is, I’m a much happier person now. 

If you haven’t know, I’ve signed myself up to be in Track in Uni. I wanted a CCA in Uni to complete my student life; that was my first agenda. And I thought for a long time where I should go. 2 mths later, I am relieved to know this decision is one of the best decisions I had made for myself. 

Being in tracks has been a little of a life-changing experience for me and I am seeing this sport in a whole new light day by day. Running, has become more than just “running” to me, as it now holds a deeper sentimental value close to me. 

I’m reminded everyday how thankful I should be, on how blessed I am. Everything is really falling into place and there is nothing more I can ask for as of now. I’ve seen myself changed, and I’m living my life to its fullest; utilizing each 24 hours doing things I love, things I should do, and being with people that matters so closely to me. 

I still have a lot of uncertainties that I could dwell or worry upon but I had left everything in the hand of God to lead me to. 

There really isn’t much for me to update because nothing much has changed but at the same time, a lot has too. But here is an update from me; I am happy and I hope each & everyone of you are too. 

Till then, stay beautiful & keep shinning, xx 

New beginnings……….they’re definitely not easy. New environment, new people, new start; it is like I am back to zero l again. Who am I. What am I. How am I. Can I start building bridges with the present while concealing the past? 

I am feeling so doubtful but I know one thing for sure; it will all be okay eventually. Ning, hang on, hang on. 

Happiness; just an arm length away

I think I had been stuck in this writer block for the longest time; or I can’t seem to find the right words to articulate what I wish to convey. Nonetheless, this is my attempt to do so. Don’t ask why, I just needed an outlet and here I am.

I resumed back my running routine two days ago after probably 1.5 mths worth of break; from all the traveling, the camps, the festive season. Needless to say, what a reminder that this has always been so therapeutic for myself. Running has always been something to me, I can’t seem to describe what it is, but it has always meant something to me. I think one of the proudest moments of my life would be completing a half marathon earlier in April 2016, with my personal best. Something I did not blog about it, but had left it in the drafts because I felt that I wasn’t ready to put it up so publicly on something I feel so personal about. I occasionally run and feel so overwhelmed by the beauty of God’s creation; e.g. nature, sunset, that I tell myself time and time again, “I am so glad you are alive at this moment to see all of these”. As dramatic as it may sound to most of you, but I came to realise I feel most connected to God when I am being surrounded by nature, while running on my foot – my feet will take me to where my heart is; I had always believed that. Through my months of prepping my body and stamina to the marathon in late 2015, I remember how I came to learn about myself more; not just emotionally, but physically. I came to a point of acceptance that, we are all different; that includes our body shape and size too. And question, why are we constantly trying to be the puppet of society’s standards, pursing what seems to be labelled as “ideal”, or trying to achieve what we always say, “the best version of ourselves”? Why that pressure, when we should embrace what we are, and……. though it is not wrong to pursue the “best version” of ourselves, but I came to see how we end up being so caught up with the idea of it, we start to lose our footing. I too, would say my biggest takeaway from all these realisation is that….”life is not a race, it is a journey”. Through the past 5 years, from the beginning of falling into that dark pit, to the attempts where I tried to step out of it, and unto recovery….. I was so anxious about “getting over it”, about “finally recovering” when that was not what God’s purpose was, to putting me through that trial. Life is a journey, a journey you walk, at your own pace. It is……really not a race about who reaches the fastest to the finishing line. I can’t say I am completely over it, constantly still praying to be healed completely, but I am at this point where I am ready to write a new chapter of my life.

That said, 2017 is a year of new beginnings. I realise how much I had missed while I was so caught up in my own mess over the years, but it brings so much comfort to myself to know that it is definitely not too late. I remember sharing a question to my group during youth camp, “what happens next after a testimony?” and while we take every next step in our spiritual life trying to encounter and experience God, what happens next when we do? This was the question that came into my head through the months of last year; 2016. That was when I come to know, that our walk with God, our spiritual life, is not just all about experiencing and encountering Him, but instead, making Him the centre of it all; in our life, and a continuous effort of building this relationship with Him. I had always been a very anxious person, always being so uptight and over-worrying the unnecessary/future, but I had found so much inner peace over the whole of last year. Unbelievably enough, I live life as it is now and I am grateful for it. I no longer hold onto the idea of worrying so much about what happens next, the future, and the far future because all in God’s hands, no? He has a plan and it will work out eventually, so why not let Him have the control? I come to……..be able to live in every moment, and to appreciate life at its most simplest form and to me, that’s the greatest gift I can receive from life at this point of time; seeing its beauty.

Gosh, my post is in such a mess once again but what’s new when my fingers start to tap away on the keyboard. This is how unorganised my thoughts are in my head, but just let me vomit them out as it is yeah.

Oh yes too, today was my first day of school. And some of my close friends may know, as much as I am very excited to return back to school and bury my head into books instead of being an OL working in the office from 9-5, I had lost touch of this very sheltered familiar, yet unfamiliar setting. I am thankful in all ways, to know I am not embarking this new journey alone; e.g. having friends who has been dropping texts to me since the beginning of this week to tell me “it is all going to be okay”, “have fun in school” – I appreciate all these little gestures so much and also,…..new friends that I had made through orientation (which yes, very shockingly, I went). Honestly did not expect to forge any friendship because I am very cautious about human interaction and who I allow myself to open up to…..but I guess God has already been placing these little angels in my uni life. What was I even worrying about…..when all of that is so unnecessary? I am feeling very relieve, and though I am very afraid of being too comfortable with where I am right now (since it is only just the beginning), I wish to tell myself to just enjoy every bit of it. That’s uni life isn’t it? That said, 3 hours lecture had K.O(ed) me so badly I crashed in bed the moment I returned home earlier. Feels good though, I am excited to see what is to unfold over the next three short semesters of the last phase of my student life. Remember, God is always in control.

Alright, I guess that is about it. I hope all is well for each and everyone of you there, so keep smiling, and stay beautiful!!

Till then, XX

;2016 

I have nothing but to be grateful for everything that happened this year. Thankful I always have a daily reminder to remain contented with what I have on my hands and that I have the simplest things to stay grateful for. To list everything down is a little overwhelming but I am lucky to be blessed with the opportunities that came knocking on my door. Very blessed to have been able to save up for my trips this year and aside from traveling, came the Cambodia mission trip that allowed me to be embraced in God’s love & presence. Oh yes, and the Youth Camp weeks ago. New beginnings is to happen the moment the clock ticks 12 but I’m relived to say, it has been going good and indeed, it is always ONLY overwhelming at the initial stage. I am still on this journey to loving myself but I too, am always thankful I am being overwhelmingly showered with love from people around me – I will get to where I want to be in time to come, at my own pace. 

I want to keep things short and sweet so……have a great New Year’s Eve everyone and have a Happy New Year. Remember, life only gets better, it really does. 

Stay smiling, keep shinning. May God bless each and everyone of you. XX