Happiness; just an arm length away

I think I had been stuck in this writer block for the longest time; or I can’t seem to find the right words to articulate what I wish to convey. Nonetheless, this is my attempt to do so. Don’t ask why, I just needed an outlet and here I am.

I resumed back my running routine two days ago after probably 1.5 mths worth of break; from all the traveling, the camps, the festive season. Needless to say, what a reminder that this has always been so therapeutic for myself. Running has always been something to me, I can’t seem to describe what it is, but it has always meant something to me. I think one of the proudest moments of my life would be completing a half marathon earlier in April 2016, with my personal best. Something I did not blog about it, but had left it in the drafts because I felt that I wasn’t ready to put it up so publicly on something I feel so personal about. I occasionally run and feel so overwhelmed by the beauty of God’s creation; e.g. nature, sunset, that I tell myself time and time again, “I am so glad you are alive at this moment to see all of these”. As dramatic as it may sound to most of you, but I came to realise I feel most connected to God when I am being surrounded by nature, while running on my foot – my feet will take me to where my heart is; I had always believed that. Through my months of prepping my body and stamina to the marathon in late 2015, I remember how I came to learn about myself more; not just emotionally, but physically. I came to a point of acceptance that, we are all different; that includes our body shape and size too. And question, why are we constantly trying to be the puppet of society’s standards, pursing what seems to be labelled as “ideal”, or trying to achieve what we always say, “the best version of ourselves”? Why that pressure, when we should embrace what we are, and……. though it is not wrong to pursue the “best version” of ourselves, but I came to see how we end up being so caught up with the idea of it, we start to lose our footing. I too, would say my biggest takeaway from all these realisation is that….”life is not a race, it is a journey”. Through the past 5 years, from the beginning of falling into that dark pit, to the attempts where I tried to step out of it, and unto recovery….. I was so anxious about “getting over it”, about “finally recovering” when that was not what God’s purpose was, to putting me through that trial. Life is a journey, a journey you walk, at your own pace. It is……really not a race about who reaches the fastest to the finishing line. I can’t say I am completely over it, constantly still praying to be healed completely, but I am at this point where I am ready to write a new chapter of my life.

That said, 2017 is a year of new beginnings. I realise how much I had missed while I was so caught up in my own mess over the years, but it brings so much comfort to myself to know that it is definitely not too late. I remember sharing a question to my group during youth camp, “what happens next after a testimony?” and while we take every next step in our spiritual life trying to encounter and experience God, what happens next when we do? This was the question that came into my head through the months of last year; 2016. That was when I come to know, that our walk with God, our spiritual life, is not just all about experiencing and encountering Him, but instead, making Him the centre of it all; in our life, and a continuous effort of building this relationship with Him. I had always been a very anxious person, always being so uptight and over-worrying the unnecessary/future, but I had found so much inner peace over the whole of last year. Unbelievably enough, I live life as it is now and I am grateful for it. I no longer hold onto the idea of worrying so much about what happens next, the future, and the far future because all in God’s hands, no? He has a plan and it will work out eventually, so why not let Him have the control? I come to……..be able to live in every moment, and to appreciate life at its most simplest form and to me, that’s the greatest gift I can receive from life at this point of time; seeing its beauty.

Gosh, my post is in such a mess once again but what’s new when my fingers start to tap away on the keyboard. This is how unorganised my thoughts are in my head, but just let me vomit them out as it is yeah.

Oh yes too, today was my first day of school. And some of my close friends may know, as much as I am very excited to return back to school and bury my head into books instead of being an OL working in the office from 9-5, I had lost touch of this very sheltered familiar, yet unfamiliar setting. I am thankful in all ways, to know I am not embarking this new journey alone; e.g. having friends who has been dropping texts to me since the beginning of this week to tell me “it is all going to be okay”, “have fun in school” – I appreciate all these little gestures so much and also,…..new friends that I had made through orientation (which yes, very shockingly, I went). Honestly did not expect to forge any friendship because I am very cautious about human interaction and who I allow myself to open up to…..but I guess God has already been placing these little angels in my uni life. What was I even worrying about…..when all of that is so unnecessary? I am feeling very relieve, and though I am very afraid of being too comfortable with where I am right now (since it is only just the beginning), I wish to tell myself to just enjoy every bit of it. That’s uni life isn’t it? That said, 3 hours lecture had K.O(ed) me so badly I crashed in bed the moment I returned home earlier. Feels good though, I am excited to see what is to unfold over the next three short semesters of the last phase of my student life. Remember, God is always in control.

Alright, I guess that is about it. I hope all is well for each and everyone of you there, so keep smiling, and stay beautiful!!

Till then, XX

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