An overflowing life of happiness 

I think I know what happiness feels like, finally, right now, at this moment. Last 3 days of the year and as much as I do not wish to jinx this yet, but it has been a fucking awesome year for me. 

December has always been such a beautiful month. The month you slowly wrap things up from the entire year, the month you give, the month you feel so much…….and coincidentally, the month you seem to somehow live to the fullest. I’m so exhausted at this point of time but I can’t say enough, how whole my heart feels. This entire week has been so intense from packing and unpacking almost every other day, jumping from one place to another….I barely actually slept at home, but it was a time I came to realize I really have so much to be thankful for. 

Church camp was amazing. Nuff said. God just work in so many unexpected ways it leaves me so fascinated. I initially thought I was too old for this camp, thought it would be tough to connect with the growing youths, doubted how I could lead the lil’ ones through this camp, and doubted what I can actually gain from this but what was I even worrying about???????? I wouldn’t deny being with the younger ones really drain all the energy left in you but they too bring so much joy to you. And I saw how I grew even more, spiritually in just merely 4 days. While many were in tears during extended worship, I saw myself in endless smiles, mouthing “Thank you God for all the blessings you had blessed upon me. What can I ask for now? What is more? Because I have everything.” 

And unto new beginnings, I’m nervous about it but I know everything will fall in it’s own rightful place. After all, don’t beginning always seem to be overwhelming initially but we somehow get through it? Bring it on, I say (-: 

It just…..It just fascinates me so much how much my life can change in just merely 2/3 years time. It feels like happiness is clouding over every bit of my life right now I honestly can’t recall how much it used to hurt before. I’m so contented you’ve no idea, and tho life still has its shit………..what more can I ask for? Because I really do have more than I can possibly ask. I’m whole again, I really am. 

(To God be the glory) 

Have a lovely night everyone đź’•

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I am going to keep this short and sweet.

If 2015 was a year of self-discovery and finally picking myself up from the broken pieces I had left behind over the last few years, then 2016 has been a year of being grateful and giving thanks to everything. 

Closed chapters, and unto new beginnings. 

Advanced Merry Christmas. It really is the most beautiful time of the year. 

an update

I am bored at work so here i am. (I have quite a bit to do today but i am taking my own sweet time and just…yknw, procrastination at its best) 17 more working days to go.

Lol i was just reading some young mom’s Dayre yesterday at work and gosh her baby son is sooooo adorable?? I’m only turning 21 in like a day but all i actually look forward to is have my own kids…..which will probably only happen 6/7 years later….. I know this is quite mad but i’m really so excited to be a mom??? (tho not so to be a wife ha ha) I think growing up watching how my mom keeps the family together and being the pillar of strength for everyone in the family really drives and makes me want to be a wonderful mom too in the future??? I really do not know how she does it but she is such a super mom. Everyone says that of her too. She works a full-time job, wakes up earlier than my sister & i to prepare BOTH breakfast and lunch for herself & me, comes home to prepare dinner for the family to doing household chores on a daily basis before settling down on the couch to watch her drama. Please i am just dead the moment i knock off from work and would barely be alive if i go for my evening runs. I think youth is just boring for me like i am more or less done; enjoyed enough, experienced enough, play enough and am very ready for the next phase of life – settling down and building my own family. I really cannot wait for that time to come???? My mom tells me all the time i better not mention this to my boyf because i’ll scare him away with the pressures of marrying me. Even conversations with my older friends are always about kids and parenting oh gosh i feel so much like an old hag at times.

Anyways mom was so cute to say, “you seriously don’t want a party for your 21st? i feel damn sad for you since you only turn 21st once….shall we do something to celebrate during cell on Saturday?” I really feel bad because she gotta then start preparing from morning when Saturdays is the time she really gets her rest and not like i am gonna be of any help in the kitchen too. Haha seriously……i do not really care much about birthdays and it just feels like another ordinary day of my life. And 21…..is really just a number……. either way, my mom always makes me feel so blessed and loved. Always thankful for this blessing.

Okay back to life…. got to finally spend some quality time with people whom i haven’t seen for a very very long time……..

1) I got to see my grandparents before they return to Msia after my cousin’s wedding because we aren’t even sure if we’re heading back the coming CNY so it was good. Always nice to see the elders but very very very reluctant to say goodbye. Till then, i’ll see you very soon yeye popo.

2) Got to finally meet Ling after our previous trip in April lol how long is that? 7 months??? I swear our schedule really clashes like crazy the only time i get to see her is when we travel together or during our Christmas reunion. I really appreciate how low-maintenance our friendship is and thank you for always bringing so much joy being with you.

3) Got to finally (too) meet the friend which SQ stole from me!! Was actually contemplating if i wanted to go for my run yesterday because my inner thighs sore so much from the intense stretching i did (hais so inflexible i know) and i got a text from Koh if she could join me running. Bursting with so much excitement while i was walking to my house bus-stop to see her because i think the last time i saw her was when she just started her training in SQ and when she started flying a few months back i do not even know where her soul flew??? Like one moment she is in this country and the next day she is at another???? I barely have time for most of my friends too on my side but it’s just very frustrating when you just suddenly lose track of your friend and……she just “disappears”. Anyways my ears almost bled (in a good way) from listening to all her SQ stories and i just can’t help but empathize so much because it’s such a demanding job???? I’m just proud of her for enduring through everything and still having the passion for this because girl….i knew how hard she tried to get into SQ and she really worked her ass off to be where she is today. So continue doing whatever you’re doing now and enjoy every bit of it – sorry i ain’t gonna join you in this journey, SQ/flying/serving/this demanding lifestyle is just not for me heh but i’ll look forward to hearing to more stories from your travels/in-flight craziness!! (don’t know when is the next time, but please always remember you have friends back at home here always waiting for you)

(!!!) Can’t wait for Jes to get her scholarship money so we can head out, get a life and do some fun stuff because she told me to stop going movies on every wkends with her since i was trying to save up for my Korea trip…………………….

&& Olevels for my sister has officially started today – i literally bought her a tub of Ben ‘n’ Jerry just to cheer her on last night. I’m really damn worried for this little one here but i think we should all leave it in God’s hands. Can’t wait for this girl to be done with this milestone so we both sisters can have some hell of a good time in Korea next month. Ah, speaking of Korea……. i’m just praying so hard nothing disastrous hits Busan again because……..i really do not want to scrap my itinerary in Busan and the island day trip out TT_TT

Felt like i just wrote a diary entry but my heart has been feeling so full and whole i just wanted to jot all these down on this space. And i really cannot emphasize enough how my evening runs really contributes to such positivity it is like my kind of meditation??? (& once again, very thankful to the people around me who go the extra mile daily to remind me to stay positive, and positive will come along in your life lol that is really come tough commitment really) (and also making an attempt to bring smiles to someone’s day really makes you feel better too). The year is really coming to an end, i have a lot of things i really look forward to and finally taking a short break to settle myself down before i head back to the books and welcome the possibly last time being a student.

Till then, i’ll be back here soon. TATA, XX

toxic

“You can’t just hide in your own shell when you can’t face the world, girl. You need to step out of your darkness” –Mom

You are your own biggest enemy, true enough. Then, what took me so long too, to realize who has been toxic for me. Why am i constantly trying to feed others’ crave for attention and affirmation, when i am so handicapped to do so, for my own fucking self? These people ain’t good for me; they said, they warned. And it is only till now, i realized. Fuck those obligations that holds you back.

I am so fucking exhausted to wake up everyday just to face the same ol’ shit. It has been months, and i am so darned tired about it. No, i do not even try seeking comfort from anyone because everyone is so fucking self-absorbed with themselves – they themselves matters more, than your own shit does to them. And i have people who step on you; quietly and discreetly, just to stand higher than you – to feel better of themselves. Disgusting.

I think i really learnt how to be even more self-suffice through the past year, and having the eyes to filter who actually genuinely care. Do not misunderstand me…. life’s still good. It is all good, eventually. Because life still goes on no matter what, and it will be too for me.

 

it is nothing, but it has been something

16 more days.

16 more days till i turn 21. Legal 21. Am i excited? Am i throwing a huge party to let everyone on my social media know of it? Am i feeling 21? The whole tradition of celebrating birthdays had never been something i ever bothered, hence my very bad memory of remembering all my friends’ birthdays. Parties? You know an awkward being like me wouldn’t fancy that and really, i rather take the entire expense of throwing one on a good short vacation. Feeling 21? All i know is i sure have tons of uncertainty with what life will throw at me in the near future.

And if there is anything i feel about turning 21, it definitely is a gratitude heart. I clearly remembered how my 18th birthday went – that at the back of my head, i wish this was the last birthday i would ever have. I was dead drunk that night, probably abusing the entire idea of “you’re finally legal to do this“…..and not the least bit bothered at what a tragic state i was in. And here i am, 4 years later, no longer messed up, bruised and wreaked, i am living a life i had never dared to dream of living, seeing the beauty in life when my world has been nothing but b/w. It has been a painful journey, not just for me but the ones around me – who saw me gradually falling apart at my worst, always tiptoeing around me and being so cautious. The scars on me will never fade away; ever, but they continue to serve as a comfort and reminder to myself that i had battled hard – and i had won the fight. It hasn’t been any less difficult either after all of that, where i still had to deal with the bad days or occasions when the demon in me wakes up from its deep sleep and decides to take in control of me.

Nonetheless, it has been all good – the best i can ever ask for.

Turning 21, it really is nothing or much of a deal. I need no gifts, because i think i have everything i need in my life – all in one good place. I do not worry a least bit if any of my friends; or at least one, remembers it is my birthday because i know all of that no longer matter – these people in my life right now, this strong support system i have, they are going to stay till the end. But the deal is, all credits goes to my family. I wouldn’t be here, 4/5 years later if it wasn’t for that love, that they fought this battle even harder than i did myself. Kudos to you Mom Paps & Rui.

Then there is a Father in heaven i constantly am thankful for, the one i glorify His name at every living second of my life. My encounter with Christ is another living testimony i myself find it hard to believe because of all the miraculous works he has done in my life and the blessings he had showered me with. God is indeed good. Always. And i know now, everything works in His time, and for a greater purpose He had set us up for.

21, all i just want to tell myself – like i had repeated this countless of times on several occasions, “Ning, i am so fucking glad you are alive to see the beauty of life. And i am so relieved and thankful you didn’t fucking let go of the last straw when you were standing at the edge of the cliff.

To more years ahead of me, to a happy ending, life is just starting to get exciting for me.

Amen, to God be the glory