New beginnings……….they’re definitely not easy. New environment, new people, new start; it is like I am back to zero l again. Who am I. What am I. How am I. Can I start building bridges with the present while concealing the past? 

I am feeling so doubtful but I know one thing for sure; it will all be okay eventually. Ning, hang on, hang on. 

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Happiness; just an arm length away

I think I had been stuck in this writer block for the longest time; or I can’t seem to find the right words to articulate what I wish to convey. Nonetheless, this is my attempt to do so. Don’t ask why, I just needed an outlet and here I am.

I resumed back my running routine two days ago after probably 1.5 mths worth of break; from all the traveling, the camps, the festive season. Needless to say, what a reminder that this has always been so therapeutic for myself. Running has always been something to me, I can’t seem to describe what it is, but it has always meant something to me. I think one of the proudest moments of my life would be completing a half marathon earlier in April 2016, with my personal best. Something I did not blog about it, but had left it in the drafts because I felt that I wasn’t ready to put it up so publicly on something I feel so personal about. I occasionally run and feel so overwhelmed by the beauty of God’s creation; e.g. nature, sunset, that I tell myself time and time again, “I am so glad you are alive at this moment to see all of these”. As dramatic as it may sound to most of you, but I came to realise I feel most connected to God when I am being surrounded by nature, while running on my foot – my feet will take me to where my heart is; I had always believed that. Through my months of prepping my body and stamina to the marathon in late 2015, I remember how I came to learn about myself more; not just emotionally, but physically. I came to a point of acceptance that, we are all different; that includes our body shape and size too. And question, why are we constantly trying to be the puppet of society’s standards, pursing what seems to be labelled as “ideal”, or trying to achieve what we always say, “the best version of ourselves”? Why that pressure, when we should embrace what we are, and……. though it is not wrong to pursue the “best version” of ourselves, but I came to see how we end up being so caught up with the idea of it, we start to lose our footing. I too, would say my biggest takeaway from all these realisation is that….”life is not a race, it is a journey”. Through the past 5 years, from the beginning of falling into that dark pit, to the attempts where I tried to step out of it, and unto recovery….. I was so anxious about “getting over it”, about “finally recovering” when that was not what God’s purpose was, to putting me through that trial. Life is a journey, a journey you walk, at your own pace. It is……really not a race about who reaches the fastest to the finishing line. I can’t say I am completely over it, constantly still praying to be healed completely, but I am at this point where I am ready to write a new chapter of my life.

That said, 2017 is a year of new beginnings. I realise how much I had missed while I was so caught up in my own mess over the years, but it brings so much comfort to myself to know that it is definitely not too late. I remember sharing a question to my group during youth camp, “what happens next after a testimony?” and while we take every next step in our spiritual life trying to encounter and experience God, what happens next when we do? This was the question that came into my head through the months of last year; 2016. That was when I come to know, that our walk with God, our spiritual life, is not just all about experiencing and encountering Him, but instead, making Him the centre of it all; in our life, and a continuous effort of building this relationship with Him. I had always been a very anxious person, always being so uptight and over-worrying the unnecessary/future, but I had found so much inner peace over the whole of last year. Unbelievably enough, I live life as it is now and I am grateful for it. I no longer hold onto the idea of worrying so much about what happens next, the future, and the far future because all in God’s hands, no? He has a plan and it will work out eventually, so why not let Him have the control? I come to……..be able to live in every moment, and to appreciate life at its most simplest form and to me, that’s the greatest gift I can receive from life at this point of time; seeing its beauty.

Gosh, my post is in such a mess once again but what’s new when my fingers start to tap away on the keyboard. This is how unorganised my thoughts are in my head, but just let me vomit them out as it is yeah.

Oh yes too, today was my first day of school. And some of my close friends may know, as much as I am very excited to return back to school and bury my head into books instead of being an OL working in the office from 9-5, I had lost touch of this very sheltered familiar, yet unfamiliar setting. I am thankful in all ways, to know I am not embarking this new journey alone; e.g. having friends who has been dropping texts to me since the beginning of this week to tell me “it is all going to be okay”, “have fun in school” – I appreciate all these little gestures so much and also,…..new friends that I had made through orientation (which yes, very shockingly, I went). Honestly did not expect to forge any friendship because I am very cautious about human interaction and who I allow myself to open up to…..but I guess God has already been placing these little angels in my uni life. What was I even worrying about…..when all of that is so unnecessary? I am feeling very relieve, and though I am very afraid of being too comfortable with where I am right now (since it is only just the beginning), I wish to tell myself to just enjoy every bit of it. That’s uni life isn’t it? That said, 3 hours lecture had K.O(ed) me so badly I crashed in bed the moment I returned home earlier. Feels good though, I am excited to see what is to unfold over the next three short semesters of the last phase of my student life. Remember, God is always in control.

Alright, I guess that is about it. I hope all is well for each and everyone of you there, so keep smiling, and stay beautiful!!

Till then, XX

;2016 

I have nothing but to be grateful for everything that happened this year. Thankful I always have a daily reminder to remain contented with what I have on my hands and that I have the simplest things to stay grateful for. To list everything down is a little overwhelming but I am lucky to be blessed with the opportunities that came knocking on my door. Very blessed to have been able to save up for my trips this year and aside from traveling, came the Cambodia mission trip that allowed me to be embraced in God’s love & presence. Oh yes, and the Youth Camp weeks ago. New beginnings is to happen the moment the clock ticks 12 but I’m relived to say, it has been going good and indeed, it is always ONLY overwhelming at the initial stage. I am still on this journey to loving myself but I too, am always thankful I am being overwhelmingly showered with love from people around me – I will get to where I want to be in time to come, at my own pace. 

I want to keep things short and sweet so……have a great New Year’s Eve everyone and have a Happy New Year. Remember, life only gets better, it really does. 

Stay smiling, keep shinning. May God bless each and everyone of you. XX 

An overflowing life of happiness 

I think I know what happiness feels like, finally, right now, at this moment. Last 3 days of the year and as much as I do not wish to jinx this yet, but it has been a fucking awesome year for me. 

December has always been such a beautiful month. The month you slowly wrap things up from the entire year, the month you give, the month you feel so much…….and coincidentally, the month you seem to somehow live to the fullest. I’m so exhausted at this point of time but I can’t say enough, how whole my heart feels. This entire week has been so intense from packing and unpacking almost every other day, jumping from one place to another….I barely actually slept at home, but it was a time I came to realize I really have so much to be thankful for. 

Church camp was amazing. Nuff said. God just work in so many unexpected ways it leaves me so fascinated. I initially thought I was too old for this camp, thought it would be tough to connect with the growing youths, doubted how I could lead the lil’ ones through this camp, and doubted what I can actually gain from this but what was I even worrying about???????? I wouldn’t deny being with the younger ones really drain all the energy left in you but they too bring so much joy to you. And I saw how I grew even more, spiritually in just merely 4 days. While many were in tears during extended worship, I saw myself in endless smiles, mouthing “Thank you God for all the blessings you had blessed upon me. What can I ask for now? What is more? Because I have everything.” 

And unto new beginnings, I’m nervous about it but I know everything will fall in it’s own rightful place. After all, don’t beginning always seem to be overwhelming initially but we somehow get through it? Bring it on, I say (-: 

It just…..It just fascinates me so much how much my life can change in just merely 2/3 years time. It feels like happiness is clouding over every bit of my life right now I honestly can’t recall how much it used to hurt before. I’m so contented you’ve no idea, and tho life still has its shit………..what more can I ask for? Because I really do have more than I can possibly ask. I’m whole again, I really am. 

(To God be the glory) 

Have a lovely night everyone 💕

I am going to keep this short and sweet.

If 2015 was a year of self-discovery and finally picking myself up from the broken pieces I had left behind over the last few years, then 2016 has been a year of being grateful and giving thanks to everything. 

Closed chapters, and unto new beginnings. 

Advanced Merry Christmas. It really is the most beautiful time of the year. 

an update

I am bored at work so here i am. (I have quite a bit to do today but i am taking my own sweet time and just…yknw, procrastination at its best) 17 more working days to go.

Lol i was just reading some young mom’s Dayre yesterday at work and gosh her baby son is sooooo adorable?? I’m only turning 21 in like a day but all i actually look forward to is have my own kids…..which will probably only happen 6/7 years later….. I know this is quite mad but i’m really so excited to be a mom??? (tho not so to be a wife ha ha) I think growing up watching how my mom keeps the family together and being the pillar of strength for everyone in the family really drives and makes me want to be a wonderful mom too in the future??? I really do not know how she does it but she is such a super mom. Everyone says that of her too. She works a full-time job, wakes up earlier than my sister & i to prepare BOTH breakfast and lunch for herself & me, comes home to prepare dinner for the family to doing household chores on a daily basis before settling down on the couch to watch her drama. Please i am just dead the moment i knock off from work and would barely be alive if i go for my evening runs. I think youth is just boring for me like i am more or less done; enjoyed enough, experienced enough, play enough and am very ready for the next phase of life – settling down and building my own family. I really cannot wait for that time to come???? My mom tells me all the time i better not mention this to my boyf because i’ll scare him away with the pressures of marrying me. Even conversations with my older friends are always about kids and parenting oh gosh i feel so much like an old hag at times.

Anyways mom was so cute to say, “you seriously don’t want a party for your 21st? i feel damn sad for you since you only turn 21st once….shall we do something to celebrate during cell on Saturday?” I really feel bad because she gotta then start preparing from morning when Saturdays is the time she really gets her rest and not like i am gonna be of any help in the kitchen too. Haha seriously……i do not really care much about birthdays and it just feels like another ordinary day of my life. And 21…..is really just a number……. either way, my mom always makes me feel so blessed and loved. Always thankful for this blessing.

Okay back to life…. got to finally spend some quality time with people whom i haven’t seen for a very very long time……..

1) I got to see my grandparents before they return to Msia after my cousin’s wedding because we aren’t even sure if we’re heading back the coming CNY so it was good. Always nice to see the elders but very very very reluctant to say goodbye. Till then, i’ll see you very soon yeye popo.

2) Got to finally meet Ling after our previous trip in April lol how long is that? 7 months??? I swear our schedule really clashes like crazy the only time i get to see her is when we travel together or during our Christmas reunion. I really appreciate how low-maintenance our friendship is and thank you for always bringing so much joy being with you.

3) Got to finally (too) meet the friend which SQ stole from me!! Was actually contemplating if i wanted to go for my run yesterday because my inner thighs sore so much from the intense stretching i did (hais so inflexible i know) and i got a text from Koh if she could join me running. Bursting with so much excitement while i was walking to my house bus-stop to see her because i think the last time i saw her was when she just started her training in SQ and when she started flying a few months back i do not even know where her soul flew??? Like one moment she is in this country and the next day she is at another???? I barely have time for most of my friends too on my side but it’s just very frustrating when you just suddenly lose track of your friend and……she just “disappears”. Anyways my ears almost bled (in a good way) from listening to all her SQ stories and i just can’t help but empathize so much because it’s such a demanding job???? I’m just proud of her for enduring through everything and still having the passion for this because girl….i knew how hard she tried to get into SQ and she really worked her ass off to be where she is today. So continue doing whatever you’re doing now and enjoy every bit of it – sorry i ain’t gonna join you in this journey, SQ/flying/serving/this demanding lifestyle is just not for me heh but i’ll look forward to hearing to more stories from your travels/in-flight craziness!! (don’t know when is the next time, but please always remember you have friends back at home here always waiting for you)

(!!!) Can’t wait for Jes to get her scholarship money so we can head out, get a life and do some fun stuff because she told me to stop going movies on every wkends with her since i was trying to save up for my Korea trip…………………….

&& Olevels for my sister has officially started today – i literally bought her a tub of Ben ‘n’ Jerry just to cheer her on last night. I’m really damn worried for this little one here but i think we should all leave it in God’s hands. Can’t wait for this girl to be done with this milestone so we both sisters can have some hell of a good time in Korea next month. Ah, speaking of Korea……. i’m just praying so hard nothing disastrous hits Busan again because……..i really do not want to scrap my itinerary in Busan and the island day trip out TT_TT

Felt like i just wrote a diary entry but my heart has been feeling so full and whole i just wanted to jot all these down on this space. And i really cannot emphasize enough how my evening runs really contributes to such positivity it is like my kind of meditation??? (& once again, very thankful to the people around me who go the extra mile daily to remind me to stay positive, and positive will come along in your life lol that is really come tough commitment really) (and also making an attempt to bring smiles to someone’s day really makes you feel better too). The year is really coming to an end, i have a lot of things i really look forward to and finally taking a short break to settle myself down before i head back to the books and welcome the possibly last time being a student.

Till then, i’ll be back here soon. TATA, XX